Tears broke through my eyes as the oxygen mask was placed on my face. It happened again, a visit to the medical tent and all I could think was that I didn’t make it in the top ten.
I had started the race out well that morning. I noticed right away I was not feeling as good as I would have liked, but I brushed it aside because there is no need to think about that in the race. I made the decision early to not lead the swim like I usual because it was the smartest thing when it came to the rest of the race. I would have to be in a pack on the bike if I had a chance to break open as big of a gap as possible on the runners in the field of fifty-eight other women.
First leg of the race, executed as planned.
Out on the bike, I took control of the four women group leading by thirty seconds on the rest of the field of women. I couldn’t help, but let my mind wander a bit within the intensity of the bike about how much I really loved biking fast. When snapping my mind back into focus, I noticed that our pack had dropped the girl from Espana. I yelled to the two other women with me hoping they would understand my English, “We dropped her. We dropped her, good! Let’s take advantage! We got to open the gap”. The three of us were good for about two of the four lap bike course. Then the chase group of seven other women caught us. I said to myself, “ugh, I guess seven are stronger than three.” It was the Polish and Italian team that stayed close to the front. I was by myself in the lead pack with the rest of my USA teammates over a minute behind me. The Polish girls were strong riders. I made about two separate breakaways on the bike, but without having anyone going with me the group of eight other women caught me each time. I attempted one last breakaway with the last stretch of the last lap. I knew I had to be as close to the number one spot going into transition as I could get myself to be.
“Breakaway. Go, go, go!” I yelled in my head. I did it. I was out, but my efforts failed again. I went too soon. I got too anxious. The pack caught me again around the second to last turn and as they did the Polish women took off with the Italians chasing. I didn’t think twice before I was off after the lead Polish girl. I couldn’t catch her before T2 tired from my too-soon breakaway, but I was in the top four or five going into the run.
“Alright. We are feeling good. Last part.”
I had to slow my legs down a bit going into the run, perhaps this is always a mistake I make, I am not sure. The first lap of the run went by in a pleasantly quick amount of time. I was still in a great position, but what happened next can only be described as my body failing me. With 3 laps left to go I watched myself, like an almost out-of-body experience, just physically fail. It is interesting what happens in these moments. There is a silence that exists. I didn’t hear anything, but the internal bickering between my body and the determination in my mind, (I call him ‘WILL’). I wasn’t apart of it. My conscious mind just wanted to reach the finish line; angry with the bickering; angry with the failure; angry with how many women passed me. That anger just made me push more.
“I am done in a little bit over 2 hours”. I remember looking at the time up over the finish. “I can walk now.” One step, two step…
Tears broke through my eyes as the oxygen mask was placed on my face and a needle being stabbed into my arm. I wanted to yell out, “why does this keep happening to me,” but I didn’t have any control over my body. It had won that bickering fight with WILL at last.
My conscious mind was frustrated and immensely upset, WILL was silenced, and my body was making a trip to the hospital. With a second IV put into my second arm, my conscious mind raced back and forth between doubt, disappointment, and concerning surprise. I didn’t realize my physical body was that far gone. I didn’t understand what had happened from the first lap of the run to the last that caused me to not achieve the goal I had traveled all that way to reach.
As I write this now, the disappointment still plagues me. There is a lot I want to achieve and the fast-tracking has come to an abrupt, seemingly unhealthy, halt. This is the second time I have collapsed after a race and needed treatment. My mind is far ahead of my body, which is and always will be both a blessing and a curse. So now then the next step is to take the time to get healthy and figure out why this is happening.
As far as this past race, World University Games, I really wanted to achieve for my country. My body wasn’t there this time, but my WILL will always be. Thank you for the opportunity. I apologize for the outcome, but I hope, I can try again really soon.
Congratulations to the other girls making up the women’s USA Team… 2nd Place
